Ode to Sick

I never wait for you to come anymore.

I can already hear your protest.

There isn't much to be said about your behavior.

There's never a time I miss you.

What do you want with me?

What can I give you that you haven't taken?

Where does your loyalty lie, anyway.

Who do you answer to?

Why am I the favorite?

Can't you just move on to another?

You break my spirit slowly.

Tearing me asunder.

All the while, laughin at my efforts to heal.

You never say your sorry.

You never say goodbye.

You just come and get what your after.

What do you want with me?

What can I give you that you haven't taken?

Where does your loyalty lie, anyway.

Who do you answer to?

Why am I the favorite?

Can't just leave me here to die.

There were times we shared together, alone.

Once a faithful resurrection of guilt and shame.

Though I led you to my endless rivers,

I never thought you would drink.

What do you want from me?

What can I do you for?

Where is your destiny?

Is there no honor anymore?

What do you want from me?

What can I give to you?

Is there a way out from your grasp...at last.

Therapy

In the beginning I figured I would get help for depression, I left shortly after I felt I could not get the help I need. An incident happened several months after that which led me back to therapy and I'm now figuring out that I don't need it but what if I managed to use it?
 Hear me out:  Therapy is for people who can't handle life of life happening to them so they seek an outside person who knows nothing about them, their people, their desires, their games and give, said person, an open and fresh look on said situation they are obsessing about.  What if you have the answers you were looking for within you the whole time but had a moment/s of total freak out and sought out therapy? During therapy you decide to use therapy for a book or an experiment? I would read that book, I would be entertained by something that clever(if that person had skills to be clever on paper....on...screen?). I had these moments and I am said person but I don't really need therapy nor do I need another person telling me that what I am feeling is perfectly okay or that this process is good to go through as I am figuring out my purpose. I'm not really the lost type, I am lost at times but I always find my way back. 
I am going to write about my experiences in therapy weekly to see what kind of mood change or what have you does to and for my person. This will be interesting as I do not hold back when I speak(some of you may know this, some of you are getting to know this and some of you will never understand it but enjoy it anyway. There might be some private stuff in some of these readings and I don't want to alarm anyone by them. Just remember that I am fine and it's a process. Please feel free to comment by adding yourself to this blog.  I'm excited to see what all of you think and feel about this so.....




Therapy session #1  March 19th

 They always ask you," how do you feel today"? I always respond,"fine". Then there is awkward silence because there is no agenda to this therapy, only waiting for inspiration. I begin with something simple like, " trying to  not be so socially polite". There will be a moment of confused looks then, " What do you mean by that"? I would then say, " When people are talking about something I really don't give a shit about and they make a joke I don't find funny...I won't laugh. I figure being fake and phony isn't the way to live nor setting people up to fail so I don't laugh at stupid jokes, I don't mock them either".  She would then look at me to say something but stops herself to ask," Why are you doing this new thing? Is there a reason you are trying something new these days"? Not that I am trying to do new things, I'm just not interested in appeasing people all the time.
 Once upon a time, I laughed at stupid jokes, made people feel better about themselves and took people under my wing so that the world didn't hurt them as often or as much as it did me. I cared for people who could not care for themselves. I tried to make life better by giving them what I did not have or could not get. Why? Why was I doing this? What was I getting out of it by doing it, nothing. Most of the time people gave me a bunch of shit for trying to help when they asked for it, most didn't ask but were equally unsatisfied as well. My goal was to ease their heartache so that it might quell mine but that wasn't what happened. Sometimes there was more drama, sometimes more pain, sometimes there were great ah ha moments but mostly I was left with a huge whole that seemed to never fill up. I could say that after years of doing so it left me most of their shit and nowhere to put it all so it came out in negative ways which led me here. I could blame them but I was a party to some of that strife.
 -laughing- " What's so funny"? She would ask with a half smile, " The silence is awkward. I feel like there should be an agenda to this talking but there never is". Never a beginning nor a proper end with these sessions, frustrating. " This must be frustrating for you since you like to have structure"? There is it, a question within a question. Never really answering but answering without giving you the complete answer. " yeah it is. I feel like I'm trying to hold out until you laugh so that might spark up another memory or topic, never truly woks out but when it does...magic". She laughs only because my face is all screwed up and goofy but she is still puzzled why I am here in her office. On the surface I seem like a "normal" person who lost her way or has had a bad stings of events happen. On the surface, it seems like there might be a quick solution to my problem because I speak quite openly, frankly if you will and not a moment is wasted on games or riddles, but there isn't. " Have you figured out why you are here or what you would like to get out of this or accomplish"? I reply simply," To move on with my life. To get to the next step and not have to be here ever again. Most people talk about how helpful this is and I don't see it at all. How can this be helpful if you haven't step outside of therapy in 12years? I don't ever want to be dependent on another for anything for that long let alone pay someone to listen to me complain about shit that won't matter tomorrow. I want to find out what's the cause of this depression, get some tools to beat it so that I never have this happent o me again. io don't really think this type of thing is going to help me but I promised my hubby that I would give it a try for 6 mos. so that's what I'm going to do"? Another moment of silence. " do you see this as a weakness"? "Yes, yes I do! If you haven't figured out what the cause of your depression after 15yrs with therapy, I have to question the methods in which were used and if that person was really wanting help at all. There has to be a point where you break away from being dependent on someone for everything you do in life". 
 This type of talk goes on for quite some time and by the time our hour is up, we are at the same place we were in the beginning...no where. There was some talk about how I thought I was an asshole for not engaging with people and how I shun most people who make claims such as," Well, I'm a healer of past lives", or, " I can feel my aura expanding through and with my chakras",and my new favorite," I'm doing this cleanse to clear my bad habits with relationships", lovely. My first thought is GFY but what if I'm the douche telling people what they believe is stupid and how they live is stupid? Why do I fucking care in the first place? Things like this circle in my head and I can't seem to  make the chatter end...truth be told, I sometimes reply in very negative ways just to get a reaction from them as if I'm telling,"just live your life'! Why do we have to do these things to be good people, we don't. Why are we carefully living out our lives as if there is a prize when we die so be careful how you treat yourself? There isn't. Once again, who the fuck am I to tell people anything, why is it so important for me to let them know it won't matter when you die; you will die and none of it will matter. If you die fat, do you think your energy you disperse with be fat? If you die rich, do you think you can take it with you? The answer is no you can't but the important question is why do I care? I came to the conclusion that I don't any longer yet I'm not going to go along with the fantasy when it's presented to me either.
 I pay for my time and de-greet her like normal,"thank you"? She replies, "your welcome"? 

The Healing Arts

I attended a Shamanic Journey for several rites, mine represented The Healer. I attended with a friend Becky Roskop as she is very connected to the earth, people and many things unexplained. When we walked in I immediately noticed a woman in the far right corner who was surrounded by a dark matter. As I continued to look at her, she did not display human facial features. What I mean by that is she displayed no human likeness no resemblance of a human woman; she looked like a thing from a nightmare, yet it was a glance that made her look this way because when I gazed upon her again she looked normal.
 We were greeted by the woman leading this journey with smiles and confusion, I thought. She gave us the information we needed to join the closed knit circle with open smiles and gentle hands. Barbara was introduced to us to make those arrangements as we collected ourselves to the floor before it all began. Barbara looked as though she use to be a primary school teacher with loving eyes, jolly nature and warmth. Once I shook her hand I envisioned her as a deer running frantically through a burning forest. It was hot yest cool at the same time, she was a young deer with wide eyes looking for her people. Once I let go of her hand, she was the nice school teacher again all full of smiles. We sat on the floor waiting for the ceremony to begin and when it did there was no turning back from what I saw.
 We called the corners of the earth for guidance and wisdom; East, South, West and the North. There was a carpet on the floor with offerings and the like. I noticed the carpet because there was a vase of red mini roses in a glass or crystal casing. Once we called to the corners, they began to bloom at rapid speeds. Not just grow but float from the vase, it seemed. Energy is a funny thing to try to understand because it's not a definable thing no is it something we can comprehend as humans; the energy was palpable and visible to my eyes this night. People swayed back and forth as the East Goddesses and Gods we asked to guide us into our safe journey, some chanted some made indiscernible noises. Once we turned towards the South many things happened to the room. As we called for guidance the wall became a flamed, the roof opened up revealing more fire and with a gust of wind there was the universe right before my eyes. The backs of strangers swaying in rhythm, chanting all the while the universe was opening itself to me. Stars, billions of them swirling and moving living breathing beings talking to me; still don't know what they were saying to me but words were being exchanged between my subconsciousness. A red circle with green, purple and blue rings encased multiple groupings of stars, dancing I guess to music I almost heard until we moved to the West. Just like that....the universe, the lights, the music, the dancing were all gone.
 Once given the Healer's rites I was told to go over to the candles to receive it's heat, it's energy but all I could do was make the flame dance. I concentrated on it's heat, place my hands around the container it sat in and moved it flame closer and further away from my hands while it danced around. This thing i did in public is something that I wold do at home with my family without no once noticing i was actually doing something. I would just concentrate in a focal point and make the rest dance and move; I haven't done that in over 20 years. There are things that i use to do on a daily and don't. there were things I use to know like the back of my hand but are now lost to me. Mu only wish id to be connected to that part of me again because those were the times I felt whole.

2012

In the new year I vow to be as positive as I possibly can.
 In the past it wasn't so easy to think, act, do and be positive but this year I am making an effort to do all those things and much much more. By virtually acknowledging the negative as a teacher I am learning rather than fighting against. I choose joy to be my sidekick as I struggle through some hard decisions. I encourage those who are traveling the same stretch of land, road, sea or air to call upon me when the going gets too tough to bare alone. I am a willing participant in the greater plan to outlive the greed and hunger which plague our true way of life. I invite everyone to take a stand a be the change you want to see, but please do it with love, compassion and respect. Without those basic positive actions we, ourselves, will be and do no better than our examples.
 There is hope for change if we choose not fight but love where we are and appreciate the steps we take to get to where we need to be together. A force to be reckoned with in a band between nations, people and all walks of life for the betterment of our future as a WHOLE PLANET. We can't rely on just one person to make this happen. We have to come together as a planet to make this rock as sacred as our souls, hearts and our Mother's. 2012 shall be my anthem to band all those who seek a peace no person has ever been able to describe, master or attempt. I only ask that you pass the love and light to someone who has been shattered or let down and give them hope that "WE" can and will do better, be better, feel better.
 Happy New Beginnings <3

Bitter

I love how people try to give you friendly advice from a broken place and all their hate and anguish shines through like a stained glass window. You try to make your point about how you are trying o be better, feel better and do better but all they want to dredge up is the past experience that led them ti their untimely demise(which is why they are such a fucking wreck leaking their hatred on life upon you and many others).
 It shows how much people are willing to let go when they think they have nothing to loose until it's all gone...then what? Who are you, where are you, who even cares if you are? I just had an encounter with a sibling who is more interested in bashing and hashing out the past instead of preparing for the present and future, which could be so bright. It was more important to feel good about themselves than the problem at hand. It was more important to be heard in a negative light than address the an issue that could change all our lives.  I ask no more than to be positive and present with myself and with my feelings. I wish no harm unto those whom I have had hardships with or with me. I only want to move forward in a light that my kin would be proud and continue the tradition throughout our lineage....that is too much to ask for I guess. Sometimes it's not easy doing what's right, nor do people recognize it when it is done but in the long run, and while your doing it, it feels good. 


Family is hard to deal with and to come by if you are not blessed with one. Time is too short to harbor feelings that will not serve you on the day the sun set upon you.( If not now...when? If not ever....why not? ) I really wanted to make this whole thing about why we should and should not but someone very wise told me that you shouldn't on anyone. I guess what I'm trying to relay is that when opportunity knocks...

Runonsentences

Recently I have had dreams of people and places that are me but I believe they are variations of me trying to tell me where or when I should be...if that makes any sense at all. I find myself troubled by these dreams because they show me stuff my heart always wants to do but my head sometimes does not have the courage to.
 Lately, I dream about alien fleet ships taking over  while my loved ones are being whisked away for torture or experiments or what have you then I offer myself instead to save the lives of millions. I sometimes have these dreams two or three times a week; this week I have meditated in front of very important  places without any political statements or agendas silently sitting in lotus pose breathing deep on my yoga mat cancelling out all sound, movement, emotions while gathering people each day to sit and meditate with me without invitation yet very much welcomed. I sit to enhance myself as well as uplift others to take time to breathe and listen to your inner self. I sit to understand what I must do to give hope to our future, to our present and to our hearts which have been dying ever so much more fast these days of late. I sit to calm my head, to calm the rage, to calm the static, to calm the machine. I ask for forgiveness from my wrong doing, their wrong doings and the things that have yet been done. I offer my blood, sweat, tears, pain, happiness, comfort, struggle, energy, intelligence and tomfoolery instead of the lives that being taken from greed, poverty, hate, shame, ignorance and lack of honor. Like I said in the beginning...these are dreams that I have and are having more and more frequently which makes me take notice. If you had dreams like these, what would you do or say to them, to yourself?

Dancing

Lines, lines, lines. 
Stretching your legs and following the beats to rhythms unknown to the body but the soul gathers quickly the tone and pitch.
Sway, prep, flick.
The limbs treat each movement like a painted picture for gaze and glory, past and present, good and better than most.
Jump, turn, twist.
Balancing the downbeat, breaking an undertone, reverb and copy it's silhouette foolishly unawares of an audience.